


They're So Pretty It Hurts

by autumnleavessilverwinds



Series: error 404 series name not found [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: AU, Angst, Bisexual Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Bisexual Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Chess Metaphors, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Repression, Emotional Whump, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Pining, Repression, Sort Of, Swearing, Title from a Girl in Red Song, Trans Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Unrequited Crush, fuck counter is at six, i just read it over to count how many times i said the word fuck, if you think i beta'd this thing i didn't, lol sap doesn't have any speaking lines he's just there for the angst, lol this bith is old, lots of swearing, not actually RPF, possibly, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-17 04:15:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28718700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumnleavessilverwinds/pseuds/autumnleavessilverwinds
Summary: Sometimes it’s hard to feel like you’re good enough for someone else. Especially when that person means the whole world to you.
Relationships: Clay | Dream & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)
Series: error 404 series name not found [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2105313
Comments: 4
Kudos: 81





	They're So Pretty It Hurts

**Author's Note:**

> Ehhh, where my Dreamnap shippers at? Alright, I have your attention—this is an angst fic. Sorry, loves, this is a personal thing because I have to deal with the fact my parents are homophobic (heterosexist?) and even though I’m a dude (trans) they won’t let me date a girl without “having a chat” first. So I’m dealing with my crush on my best friend who lives in Colorado like this because I can’t drive. Originally, the first fic I was going to post on here was some sort of weird smut/angst/hurt/comfort combo dealing with my opinion of some BDSM stuff but eh I like this one more and it stabs you in the heart. So…uh, congrats! You have to deal with this fucker now. 
> 
> Title, if you don’t recognise it, is from Girl in Red’s song “Girls”. I listened to it once, and then I didn’t stop listening to it for like three hours the next time I picked it up. Let’s get on with the angst!
> 
> (If anything in the tags triggers you, feel free to leave and know I am very sorry for doing that. I hope you enjoy!)

Dream had a problem.

He was in love with his best friend.

Of course, their rather…unique situation had several advantages. For starters, he and Sapnap lived in completely different states. They were hundreds and hundreds of miles apart from one another. Neither of them really drove. So, of course, that was Dream’s solution! He didn’t have to see Sapnap if he didn’t want to, he didn’t have to deal with any repercussions, he just…had to repress everything! Keep it all down and shove it away and never, _never_ deal with it again.

Yeah, that could _never_ have any issues.

Nope. None. None at all. No issues, no nothing. He was fine, Sapnap was fine, Sapnap never needed to know about anything! Nope! Dream was a good kid, he could sit down and wait for his friend.

And then Sapnap came out to him, over email, as bisexual.

And all Dream could think in that moment, in that tiny little moment, was one word. One four-letter word. One word that his mom would one hundred percent smack him upside the back of the head if she ever heard him say around her. Because he was a _teenager_ , and saying _bad words_ meant that you had a tiny vocabulary and weren’t smart enough to come up with a better descriptor. In Dream’s opinion, that fact was absolute shit, just an excuse for her to get him in more trouble. There was a difference between calling someone a bastard and calling someone the reason that toilet paper shortages were a thing. There was a difference between telling someone they needed to go fuck themselves and telling someone that they were a blight on the surface of the world. Or, in Dream’s other phrasing, some situations called for a rapier, while others called for a folding chair.

And when Sapnap told him he was bisexual, it was a situation where the folding chair was well and truly being used.

Because all Dream could think of in that infinitesimal moment was the word _fuck_ , and it well and truly described him.

Dream was fucked because Sapnap was bisexual. He was attracted to men and women, according to himself. Which meant Dream had an infinitesimal chance, technically, because maybe, just maybe, Sapnap was attracted to him.

Except Dream was fucked because Sap could _never_ in a million years be attracted to him. The probabilities of _that_ were so infinitesimally low that Dream was more likely to win the lottery every day seven weeks in a row, land three world records in three adjacent runs, _and_ find the Athena Parthenos. Or recover texts from the Library of Alexandria when he was all the way in Florida and the Library of Alexandria had burned to rubble in 48 B.C. Or B.C.E. Whichever one it was, he really didn’t care anymore because they were kind of the same thing and it didn’t entirely make sense to switch because literally, there wasn’t much of a difference just like there wasn’t that much of a difference between Coke Zero and regular Coke. Unless you were a connoisseur, it really didn’t matter all that much. They were just words.

And Dream was well and truly fucked because there was no possible way that Sapnap would have wanted to date him because he was trans, and Sapnap didn’t like him that way, and there were a million things wrong with Dream. And they lived hundreds of miles apart.

That was what Dream told himself that night, laying in his bed and wishing beyond everything that maybe, just maybe, things would right themselves. That he wouldn’t have a crush on Sapnap, or maybe that the feelings would be reciprocated. Besides, Sap didn’t need Dream wasting his time in a long-distance relationship. That was unfair. It was _so_ unfair. This was a game Dream wouldn’t dare to even _consider_ cheating, not that he cheated at many. It was really only chess with his family, because cheating at chess was hilarious.

But if Dream was a pawn, then Sapnap was either the queen or the king. One of the most powerful pieces on the board, or the most important. Maybe Dream wasn’t a pawn, though. Maybe he was a rook, getting to go only so many ways. Never changing, never doing much. Sure, he looked strong, but it took one person to get at his walls and then he was down.

Sighing, Dream watched the fan blades above him, eyes locking on a single one as he followed its spinning. Aimless, repetitive, with that annoying little squeak that plagued him for so long he finally just turned the damned thing off. There wasn’t a point to the fan. It sat in his room, on his ceiling, collecting dust. He had a smaller one, better and more efficient, sitting on his bedside table with the lamp and his alarm clock. This one didn’t look like it was about to fall off the ceiling and smash down on whatever was underneath it. It wasn’t old. Sure, it had a bit of dust—he just sucked at cleaning stuff, that was why. It was his fault.

Dream messed up a lot of things, now that he thought about it.

He was pathetic. Who fell in love with their best friend when they knew that it could never happen? Who entertained that kind of thought? It was wrong, it was horrible, friends didn’t think of each other romantically and for him to dare think he could be that special to _Sapnap_ of all people—it was absurd! Sapnap was amazing. He cared, he was there when Dream was down, he actually bothered to ask Dream to sit with him at lunch (jokingly, of course, considering how far apart they were). Whenever Dream had a bad day, he would send videos of whatever bands he was interested in. Of course, Dream was there for him, too. It was a proper give-and-take relationship, the kind where even if they didn’t talk for a while they could strike up a conversation like they were right next to one another, like they were so close they could be touching.

And oh, how Dream longed for them to touch.

It wasn’t just the stuff they’d hide behind closed doors, the heated moments they could have had but never could because no, that was impossible. Dream longed for the messy makeouts in the back of the car, for the gentle kind of kiss that came when you were sitting around a fireplace on a chilly winter night in your house with hot chocolate and blankets and fuzzy sweaters. He longed for the hand holding, the delicate moments where fingers brushed as they walked alongside one another. Hell, he’d even go for a hug.

But of course…

He could never have that.

He should never _want_ that. He didn’t deserve it. No, Dream was a horrible, _horrible_ person. Sapnap was amazing. Sure, he messed up, but that’s because he was human. Dream could forgive him for when he messed up, he always would. Sapnap was his best friend.

Which was exactly why Dream could never, _never_ throw that friendship away.

How could he even think of it? No one would want him. The fact Sapnap had wanted him at all, even knowing everything that’d happened before, with a person Dream would rather not name—(and how could he blame them anyways? He wasn’t an easy person to be around, he talked too much about video games and stupid things that didn’t matter)—and what had happened he would rather never think of again, was shocking. If Dream threw away that friendship, he would have nothing. He had no one, and it was his own fault. He never talked to people.

Watching the fan blades spin and spin and spin, Dream closed his eyes again.

Maybe if he got some rest, he’d feel better in the end.

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to include more Sapnap but eh what can you do?


End file.
